suxs

Grandma's not doing well at all. Cancer in her kidneys, tumor in her stomach and hernias throughout - its more a matter of time than any hope of getting better. Here's where I'm torn. I hate seeing this woman in pain, it hurts to know that it's only going to get worse and yet, instead of having her take a pill and die when she can no longer handle the pain, we let her go months waiting for her body to finally give up. I don't want her to go, but if there's no hope for recovery then why make her suffer more?
Of course my mom and I are pragmatic people, which for emotional people, makes us look like dicks. I want to know what's been done and where things are going. I know that the will has been done for some time now (no idea what's in it and not that curious either) and grandma has been talking about where she'd like her funeral (she's also pragmatic). Not the most joyous of conversations, but they're better to have now, while she can make sure she's understood. I don't think my sister could handle this kind of info, in fact I'm positive that she couldn't. The fact that we're being realistic here and are working towards getting answers, tells my sister that we've already given up. We have. It's that simple. She's 91 years old. She won't make it to 92. It really sucks, but to hide and think that she's fine, is stupid and does nothing for the future when decisions need to be made.
So for the next couple months while the pain makes living a nightmare for grandma, we have to wait for her body to give up.
On to a more pleasant topic. I had a good book idea last night. The non baby guide. The guide to singles and married people with no intention of having kids. There were lots of diagrams and funny stories about if a person with a kids says this, then it really means this. Sadly, lots of the humor was robbed from me, when my husband last night had an in depth conversation with himself over a math problem in his sleep. I really need to bring in a tape recorder so he can hear himself snore and help me to understand his conversations.