Let me stress that I love my friend J. We have been friends for over 20 years, I have been by her side during her 4, yes 4 weddings and divorces. I love her children and think the world of her, and I was sad that my friend was in pain with the death of her mother. A woman who often reminded me of Hogatha from the smurfs but was a chain smoker who wasn't mobile.
She had an ability to make you feel like you had just done something really rotten and only she knew it but just couldn't prove it. I often felt uncomfortable around her and always made sure to never piss her off.
J for some reason doesn't have a lot of friends - which I never understood why, so on facebook she sent an email to the 6 of her closest friends letting us know of the funeral. Everyone sent their condolences but 4 of her friends were out of state and wouldn't be able to make it, so Chris and I said that we would be there and like friends we dressed for the occasion.
We were the only ones not in jeans, baseball caps or ill fitting tight dresses. We arrived and were asked if we wanted to pay our final respects to Mrs. C. In my family we hide the dead and the thought of her solid state just sort of lying there would really make me think of the horror films where the corpse jumps out to get you so. So we declined and waited outside as J kept taking her four year old back to go look at dead grandma.
Finally it was time for the cars to line up and proceed to the burial spot. Chris and I not being family or really anything more than moral support for J were the last in the lineup. We arrived, got out of our cars and then realized with the 20 people there they would need every able man to help move the coffin out of the car and onto the metal pipes that were across from the empty hole in the ground.
Now J's family... well pain seems to be a good word for it. Each member always looks like you stepped on their toes, and the two oldest look a good 15 years older than they are. The oldest sibling B has a short haircut, not a fashionable, stylish cut, but the I gave up so just by a flowbee knockoff and be done with it. Her teeth are a mess and she was wearing a weird white lace dress with Grannie booties. C, the oldest of two brothers just looks like he was in Nam and never got over killing Charlie. He's lived alone in Alaska and the only person he seemed to be happy around was J's 4 year old. Then J's other sister G who was the most normal of the family and then the little brother A who decided to really piss off his dying mother by marrying a homeless girl and then expecting to move in to his parents house with her and her homeless family. Apparently they're all homeless right now.
The service starts. The preacher is preaching and I'm already fidgeting, standing there wondering when this will be over with. Then an airplane flies over. A minute later another one does. All taking off from Burbank airport. Every 2 minutes the service stops so that people can hear the sermon on what the Shepard's pray really means.
Finally it's time for people to come up and say a few words about the deceased. I figure no one wants to hear from me talk about how scary their mother was so I keep shut. The oldest sister gets up and starts to talk. Stops. Then collapses. I look to Chris and the other 20 people trying to figure if this was expected since no one is getting up to check for a pulse. After almost a minute someone decided to dial her husband for advice and I'm thinking that if she's dead... the grounds already dug up and she seemed to like her mom... maybe the could share a coffin since most of the family is already here.
Some random relative gets up and starts shaking her while J suggests just throwing water at her and gets a water bottle. Chris leans towards me and tell me that B's faint was fake. I have never seen anyone go down but apparently they don't do it gracefully, bending their knees first and putting their arm out to support their head before collapsing.
We wait while B's brother C hauls her up and puts her in her seat. Then G's youngest daughter who was wearing jeans and a loose shirt and looked like a boy starts singing Let it Be. It's a nice song and she has a good voice but after 4 minutes of her singing we were getting done and did the only thing to stop her. Clapped. She was not pleased and told her mother that she had two more verses to go. G did the right thing and told her to stop.
At the end we made the rounds to say good by where G and J both said that B often fainted to get attention, which really made me wonder why since she was the one talking at the time and all eyes were on her. Oh well, not my family.
