It has been three weeks since I started and according to my lying scale, (it's lying cause I can't believe I've lost that much) I have lost 21 pounds; a pound a day.
I have also tallied up my daily food intake and the mean is 1644 calories a day so far, which has been the goal so I'm proud of actually having the willpower to stick with it. Of course there is no real physical sign of me losing 21 pounds which is depressing since I keep expecting my pants to fall off.
Since I started writing the above my mother called to let me know that my godmother died last night. This has been an expected death (cancer in her liver and kidney), but it still shocks and I will miss her so much.
Carol was the thin and pretty one in my parents group of friends. She would smoke and drink with the men and tell dirty jokes, while wearing pencil skirts and really high heels. I would spend the night sometimes at their house since their oldest, Carla was a year younger than me. They had a giant house in Arcadia on two acres of land and the backyard was huge that we would run around in.
It has been years since I've seen Carla. When she was 20 she disowned her family because the man she married was in a cult. She has no idea how much her selfishness hurt Carol. Carol didn't even know she had grand kids till the oldest was 5. I often had lunch with Carol and her seething as she talked about Carla and what she put them through to see her grand kids. Carol was nothing but a sweet woman who wanted to spoil her grandchildren and what upsets me the most is how a 'religious' woman, like Carla claims to be, has no guilt over ruining so many years of her mother's life due to her ridiculous beliefs. Carla's 'religion' wouldn't even allow her to attend her brother's wedding, but by then she had caused so much damage to the family that she wasn't invited. But how stupid to believe in anything that forbids you from celebrating events with your family.
My favorite quote is from Anne Lamott who said 'you know you've created god in your own image when it turns out he hates the same people that you do'. Since I don't believe in any religion, it further confounds me how myopic people are who build these rules that do nothing but hurt others. How could a daughter abandon her family for almost 20 years? Apparently 6 months ago Carla started coming by the house to take care of Carol. We're sure it was so that she could be put back into the will since it will be significant, which makes her pious religious stance even more pathetic to me.
When my mother called she told me that Carol will be taken to a crematorium today and requested no ceremony since she was agnostic, which does make the fact that she was my godmother a funny title. Last Friday, my parents went to see Carol for the last time, where Carla mentioned at some point that she would be having a service for her mother at their church but since we're not members we would not be invited. I can only hope that this was out of earshot from her mother, but since I have no respect for Carla I tend to think the worse.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Day 14
As of today I have been on nutrisystem for two weeks. While I have not cheated by downing a gallon of ice cream or hunting up a cow to devour, or even having a meal over 400 calories during this time, I have not seen any changes that this is working.
Today I will be returning the scale we bought that died tragically after the second use and will be buying a more expensive and higher rated scale and maybe there I will see something telling me that what I'm doing is not in vain.
The one thing that I can be proud of is my willpower. On Friday some of my best friends hosted a movie night at their house with so many tempting treats (who makes kettle corn from scratch and, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and a cookie cake???) not to mention the smorgasbord of different grill meats and chicken skewers available and I said no to all. The only thing that I did have that night were two bottle waters. I have somehow successfully blocked the temptations and surprisingly it wasn't as difficult as I first thought it would be. I told myself 'not for me' and that was it. I also sat as far away from the temptations as I could and didn't even sit with some friends cause there were a few appetizers on the table, but instead ran interference between the kitchen and the grill, helping out instead.
The other thing I am noticing is how difficult it is to go to restaurants and Gold Class without knowing the calories in their products. On Sunday we saw HP7.2 at Gold Class cause it's the best theater in the area and the only one where the seats do not hurt my back and before we would order the calamari, a flatbread pizza, couple of drinks and some kind of dessert without thinking of the calories we were taking in. On Sunday we stuck with one flat bread pizza, the popcorn provided and diet coke. I guessed 500 calories for three pieces of pizza (each smaller than your fist) and the popcorn but I have no idea if I greatly underestimated, which is irritating.
Since day 9 I have slipped a few times and gone into the 1800 calorie range. It's discouraging when I do so well in the morning and afternoon but then at 5:00 something clicks and I become ravenous and devour anything not moving, and even though everything I eat is now on a diet list it still adds up and yesterday after eating 835 till 5:00 I lost it and ended up going to 1864 for the day.
For the next week or two my goal (beside trying to stay at 1600 calories) is to start to add exercise in every other day. I used to be a gym rat and would workout for 3.5 hours a day 10 years ago, but then I was working through pain and anger from a divorce and now I'm happy and my motivation is not the same. The other issue I have is how popular our gym is and there is no way that I'm fine with waiting 20 minutes to get on an elliptical for 30 minutes so the most obvious solution is to start going again in the morning at 5:30 where there are only a handful of people there and I can have my pick of the equipment.
Today I will be returning the scale we bought that died tragically after the second use and will be buying a more expensive and higher rated scale and maybe there I will see something telling me that what I'm doing is not in vain.
The one thing that I can be proud of is my willpower. On Friday some of my best friends hosted a movie night at their house with so many tempting treats (who makes kettle corn from scratch and, homemade chocolate chip cookies, and a cookie cake???) not to mention the smorgasbord of different grill meats and chicken skewers available and I said no to all. The only thing that I did have that night were two bottle waters. I have somehow successfully blocked the temptations and surprisingly it wasn't as difficult as I first thought it would be. I told myself 'not for me' and that was it. I also sat as far away from the temptations as I could and didn't even sit with some friends cause there were a few appetizers on the table, but instead ran interference between the kitchen and the grill, helping out instead.
The other thing I am noticing is how difficult it is to go to restaurants and Gold Class without knowing the calories in their products. On Sunday we saw HP7.2 at Gold Class cause it's the best theater in the area and the only one where the seats do not hurt my back and before we would order the calamari, a flatbread pizza, couple of drinks and some kind of dessert without thinking of the calories we were taking in. On Sunday we stuck with one flat bread pizza, the popcorn provided and diet coke. I guessed 500 calories for three pieces of pizza (each smaller than your fist) and the popcorn but I have no idea if I greatly underestimated, which is irritating.
Since day 9 I have slipped a few times and gone into the 1800 calorie range. It's discouraging when I do so well in the morning and afternoon but then at 5:00 something clicks and I become ravenous and devour anything not moving, and even though everything I eat is now on a diet list it still adds up and yesterday after eating 835 till 5:00 I lost it and ended up going to 1864 for the day.
For the next week or two my goal (beside trying to stay at 1600 calories) is to start to add exercise in every other day. I used to be a gym rat and would workout for 3.5 hours a day 10 years ago, but then I was working through pain and anger from a divorce and now I'm happy and my motivation is not the same. The other issue I have is how popular our gym is and there is no way that I'm fine with waiting 20 minutes to get on an elliptical for 30 minutes so the most obvious solution is to start going again in the morning at 5:30 where there are only a handful of people there and I can have my pick of the equipment.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Day 9
On Tuesday, July 5th I started nutrisystem and so far I have not really cheated on this diet, but I'm maintaining 1600 calories, or somewhere near that, everyday and the one thing I can say is that IT BLOWS.
Wow. I have no idea how many calories I was cramming into my gullet every day, but 1600 really isn't a lot of food some days. Even being 'good', my current breakfast is 385 calories and that's mainly good things like blueberries, fat free yogurt, cantaloupe and a breakfast bar.
Since I started really paying attention to the calorie count in everything that I shovel in, my husband (the amazing man that he is) started looking into our favorite restaurants to see what I could have outside our house. It's just depressing. Our Saturday routine after the gym has been to go to Starbucks and order our breakfast there. Even though the reduced fat turkey bacon is healthier, it is still 380 calories. And my blessed Venti iced vanilla latte is over 400. So almost 800 calories and that's not including the raw sugar packet that I add either. And now that 1600 is the hard line that I dare not cross, I can't waste half of it at Starbucks.
I am a bit shocked at how my brain went from one way of thinking to this sudden calorie counting accountant. Since last Tuesday, the one page on nutrisystem that has been constantly up is my daily food intake. I look at it, modify it and stare at it hourly, making sure that my water intake is current and that my next meal won't tip the number towards 1700.
I'm sure everyone has weaker times during the day, when willpower slips and you could lose control. For me it's when I get home from work. No husband. No place to go. Just food and me. Alone. I normally work on orders or make jewelry to put into my shop but I am finding that I really need to do something else to get my mind off of food.
Now that I have a week of progress I do hope that it gets easier. I'm still miffed that my pants are staying on me when I walk around and no one can see any progress. My mom chastised me for not having a scale so this weekend we bought one which broke after two uses (and even though I am big, I made sure the limit was way over what I weigh) so I have no idea if this diet is working or not. I just have to hope and continue and hopefully sooner, rather than later, I will see some kind of difference.
Wow. I have no idea how many calories I was cramming into my gullet every day, but 1600 really isn't a lot of food some days. Even being 'good', my current breakfast is 385 calories and that's mainly good things like blueberries, fat free yogurt, cantaloupe and a breakfast bar.
Since I started really paying attention to the calorie count in everything that I shovel in, my husband (the amazing man that he is) started looking into our favorite restaurants to see what I could have outside our house. It's just depressing. Our Saturday routine after the gym has been to go to Starbucks and order our breakfast there. Even though the reduced fat turkey bacon is healthier, it is still 380 calories. And my blessed Venti iced vanilla latte is over 400. So almost 800 calories and that's not including the raw sugar packet that I add either. And now that 1600 is the hard line that I dare not cross, I can't waste half of it at Starbucks.
I am a bit shocked at how my brain went from one way of thinking to this sudden calorie counting accountant. Since last Tuesday, the one page on nutrisystem that has been constantly up is my daily food intake. I look at it, modify it and stare at it hourly, making sure that my water intake is current and that my next meal won't tip the number towards 1700.
I'm sure everyone has weaker times during the day, when willpower slips and you could lose control. For me it's when I get home from work. No husband. No place to go. Just food and me. Alone. I normally work on orders or make jewelry to put into my shop but I am finding that I really need to do something else to get my mind off of food.
Now that I have a week of progress I do hope that it gets easier. I'm still miffed that my pants are staying on me when I walk around and no one can see any progress. My mom chastised me for not having a scale so this weekend we bought one which broke after two uses (and even though I am big, I made sure the limit was way over what I weigh) so I have no idea if this diet is working or not. I just have to hope and continue and hopefully sooner, rather than later, I will see some kind of difference.
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